Here I am at the end of another long break and when I read my last post in the middle of the 30 day challenge, I chuckle.
Why does huge transition seem to happen in September? That’s the last time I posted here. Maybe it’s the pattern set up with school — a new year starts in September. For me, another birthday rolls around and everything feels new and ready to happen. That was certainly the case this year. We had family out from out of town for a few weeks, suddenly October was upon us and then, low and behold, we found out to our great delight that I was pregnant. And we found out when I had swine flu, and while our son had swine flu too, and…uh…you get the point.
And I’ll be honest — this has been a rough few months. I actually sat down tonight with no real intention to write. I actually sat down to mope. I am tired, my bones hurt, my stomach is queasy, and…did I mention I was tired?
But beyond the physical, I am also emotionally tired and overwrought. What I really sat down to write was a rant to my husband. An ungodly, poorly thought out, ungracious, and self-focused rant. Only, much to God’s grace, I was very aware before I even started that what was in my head and in my heart was not what needed to come out of my mouth or the tips of my fingers.
I loaded up Mozilla anyway, gritted my teeth and grumbled, and then had to stop and chuckle (if darkly) when I saw in my start page a link to a post on Radical Womanhood called, “The Sacrifice of Silence.” Even as riled up as I’ve gotten myself tonight, I couldn’t ignore a sign THAT blatant.
So here I am. I have put my son to bed with a grumpy kiss and a half-hearted read of a chapter in the Big Picture Story Bible. I then glared at my napping husband while I loudly slammed last night’s laundry into cupboards and drawers and only got more angry when he didn’t respond to my bad mood. I stomped through a shower, so caught up in my mental tirade that I think I am more tense after taking it than I was when I got in. And here I lie with my laptop, aware that I have nothing to show for my temper tantrum tonight but a heart sick at the knowledge of my own sin. And on top of that, I’m afraid that tonight isn’t a lonely instance of these moods of mine. This hasn’t really been a good few months.
I’m a little lost as to why I’m writing this in a public forum like my blog where I usually blather on about gardens, food, and my son. But honestly, I felt compelled to write here tonight. I’ve been clear in the past about my faith: I am a Christian. And I guess I’m left wondering, what use are my declarations if I don’t also share the times when I don’t live up to them? Why go silent when I don’t look pretty if I write about where I really am? I am a broken, selfish, sinful woman in the process of being redeemed. And sometimes it feels like a very slow, arduous process indeed.
God is faithful when we are not and tonight I am aware at this low point that he is speaking softly to my heart, asking me to trust him and seek my sustenance in him. I feel let down and angry right now because I’ve been leaning on so many other things to fulfill my needs and, as all created things do, they’ve let me down. The biggest perpetrator of that is ME. I cannot be who I need to be without Jesus. When I trust in my own strength, my own charm, my own smarts, my own logic to be okay, I will not be okay — as shown in the dismal state of affairs in my own home right now.
I will wrap this up because I have some repenting to do, some praying to do, and some seeking to do. But I just…I don’t know why — I felt like I needed to be honest tonight. I felt like I needed to break the silence and tell you where I am and where I’d rather be. If any of you reading this feel a bit like I do, I will lift you up in prayer tonight even as I lift myself — because He who promises to keep us and sustain us is faithful, even when we are not.
I will write about this more clearly some time soon. Just no more tonight.